Some of our toughest negotiations take place far from the formal bargaining table. In fact, they often unfold much closer to the dinner table. When a reader reached out with a question about negotiating with kids, we turned to Katie Shonk of the Program on Negotiation for her perspective.
Q: I avoid using hardball tactics in my professional negotiations because they tend to backfire and escalate conflict. But at home, my wife and I often find ourselves resorting to threats, bribes, and even the occasional bluff to get our three young children (ages seven, five, and three) to cooperate. I also lose my cool more often than I’d like. The kids may comply in the short term, but lasting improvements seem elusive. How can we deal more successfully with our most difficult negotiating counterparts—our kids? Is negotiating with kids really worthwhile?
KS: Kudos to you for recognizing that children respond about as well to hardball tactics and emotional outbursts as grown-ups do—that is, not very well.
By contrast, when parents apply principles of collaborative negotiation thoughtfully, they can foster trust, respect, and creative problem-solving in their children. In fact, research and experience suggest that even very young children can become more cooperative when they have a voice in setting rules and resolving conflicts.
Some parents worry that negotiating with kids means giving up authority. But just as in the business world, negotiation doesn’t require making unwanted concessions. It can—and should—include clear limits and meaningful consequences. “If–then” statements with follow-through (“If you keep playing, then we won’t have time for books”) are not incompatible with negotiation.
By setting firm, consistent boundaries while still listening and engaging, parents protect their own needs—for quiet time, respect, and predictability—and model healthy conflict resolution skills their children can carry into adulthood.
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Strategies for Negotiating with Kids
Based on my own experience negotiating with children, I’ve found the following three strategies particularly helpful.
1. Try an interest-based approach
Professional negotiators know that positions (“I want this”) are often driven by underlying interests (“Here’s why this matters to me”). Identifying those interests opens the door to creative solutions and reduces reliance on power-based tactics such as threats.
An interest-based approach can be especially effective with kids, who are often more emotional, less articulate, and quicker to escalate conflicts than adults.
Consider a familiar scenario: your daughter insists on wearing sandals to preschool in the middle of winter. Rather than demanding compliance, ask questions to uncover her thinking. Suppose she reveals that she wants to dress like her favorite cartoon princess—who, of course, never seems bothered by cold weather.
Now you have the makings of a win-win solution—and maybe even a learning opportunity. You might explain that while snow boots are required outdoors, you’ll bring some snow inside later so she can test whether bare feet really feel comfortable in winter.
2. Reduce stressors
Experienced negotiators know that stress impairs judgment. Tight deadlines, fatigue, and emotional overload all make agreement harder to reach.
The same is true at home. When negotiating with kids, look for ways to reduce predictable stressors that fuel conflict, such as:
- Overtired children (and parents)
- Rushed mornings or bedtime routines
- Repeated decision points at high-pressure moments
This might mean setting earlier bedtimes, planning outfits or lunches in advance, or simplifying choices. Helping an indecisive child pick clothes for the week on Sunday afternoon, for example, can eliminate daily power struggles before school.
3. Show empathy—without giving in
In professional negotiations, a counterpart’s anger can make us so uncomfortable that we offer concessions just to calm things down. At home, children’s emotional outbursts can trigger the same reaction—or push us toward dismissal and discipline.
Instead of minimizing or correcting emotions, try active listening. This means:
- Paraphrasing what your child is expressing
- Asking open-ended questions to clarify
- Naming and validating emotions without judgment
With children, matching their tone—without mocking—can help signal that you’re taking them seriously.
For instance, if your three-year-old melts down because you won’t allow another cookie, rather than reasoning (“You already had two”), try getting down to eye level and saying:
“You’re really upset right now. I can tell you wanted that cookie, and it feels unfair to you.”
Such statements don’t mean you’re changing the rule. They communicate that you’re not afraid of your child’s emotions—and that reassurance alone can often help calm the storm.
What are your own tips for negotiating with kids? Have you faced a particularly challenging situation at home? Leave a comment below—we’d love to hear from you.
Claim your FREE copy: Win-Win or Hardball
Discover how to handle complicated, high-level business negotiations in this free report, Win-Win or Hardball: Learn Top Strategies from Sports Contract Negotiations, from Harvard Law School.
When one of my teenage daughters (now adults) would tell me a bizarre idea they wanted to try, I would say “That’s an interesting idea. Can I think about it and tell you my answer tomorrow after school?” Just acknowledging their idea may have merit seemed to please them and it diffused the tension of an immediate answer until the next day. Then I might say “I thought about your idea and have a suggestion “. This gave me the opportunity to think of other options.