During the coronavirus pandemic, many of us received more feedback than ever before—sometimes from unexpected sources. Maybe it came from “coworkers” sharing your kitchen table, a boss you only saw on Zoom, or even strangers commenting on your social-distancing habits.
Feedback can feel intrusive or uncomfortable. Yet it can also be one of the most powerful tools for growth.
In a Program on Negotiation talk titled Learning from Feedback without Losing Your Mind, Sheila Heen and Douglas Stone—coauthors of Thanks for the Feedback—explained how to stay open to useful feedback while discarding what doesn’t serve you.
Their central insight: receiving feedback well is a negotiation—with yourself.
Claim your FREE copy: The New Conflict Management
In our FREE special report from the Program on Negotiation at Harvard Law School - The New Conflict Management: Effective Conflict Resolution Strategies to Avoid Litigation – renowned negotiation experts uncover unconventional approaches to conflict management that can turn adversaries into partners.
Why Learning from Feedback Is So Hard
According to Heen and Stone, receiving feedback sits at the intersection of two powerful human needs:
- The need to grow and improve.
Mastery and development make life stimulating and meaningful. In theory, feedback should feel energizing. - The need to be accepted as we are.
We want to feel respected and valued in the present—not just as a work in progress.
When feedback threatens our sense of identity or belonging, we may reject it—even if it contains valuable insight.
As Heen notes, sometimes it takes weeks, months, or even years to admit: They were right.
The Three Feedback Triggers
Heen and Stone identify three common “triggers” that shape our reactions to feedback.
- Truth Triggers
We immediately judge the feedback:
- Is this accurate?
- Is it fair?
- Does it align with my goals?
- What are the risks of acting on it?
Truth triggers focus on the content of the feedback.
- Relationship Triggers
Our reaction may depend more on who delivered the feedback than on what was said.
You might think:
- I don’t respect them.
- They don’t understand my job.
- They’re biased.
When relationship triggers fire, we risk dismissing useful information simply because of the source.
- Identity Triggers
Feedback can challenge how we see ourselves.
Some people are highly sensitive to feedback and experience it as a threat. Others are undersensitive and barely register it.
Identity triggers often sound like:
- I’m not good enough.
- I always mess things up.
- I’ll never improve.
Or the opposite:
- This doesn’t apply to me.
Recognizing which trigger is activated helps you pause before reacting.
Moving Beyond Labels
Feedback often arrives in vague, label-heavy form:
- “Be more customer-centric.”
- “Work on your people skills.”
- “Try to be more proactive.”
Labels are ambiguous. Without clarification, we fill in the blanks—often in unhelpful ways.
Imagine someone asks, “Where’s your face mask?” You might interpret that as:
- A moral judgment
- A political statement
- A health concern
Without context, feedback is open to projection.
How to Ask Better Questions About Feedback
Instead of retreating or reacting defensively, open a conversation.
Heen and Stone recommend asking:
- Where Is This Feedback Coming From?
“What specifically did you observe about my behavior that led you to say this?”
This question moves from label to data.
- Where Is This Feedback Going?
“What would you suggest I do differently in the future?”
This transforms criticism into actionable advice.
Heen also recommends narrowing the scope:
“What’s one thing I could do better?”
Asking for “one thing” forces specificity and reduces overwhelm.
Receiving Feedback in a Virtual World
Remote work has amplified the challenges of learning from feedback.
On Zoom or email:
- Tone is harder to read.
- Nonverbal cues are limited.
- Misunderstandings multiply.
Heen emphasizes that asking simple connection-building questions can strengthen virtual relationships:
- “How are you doing?”
- “What’s one thing you’re excited about?”
- “What’s one thing keeping you up at night?”
Stone adds that patience is critical:
“We assume everyone is like us: ‘It’s easy for me, so why is it hard for you?’ We have to go slower, be more thoughtful and patient, and listen.”
Feedback conversations—especially online—require more care, not less.
Practical Strategies for Learning from Feedback
To receive feedback more effectively:
- Pause before deciding whether to accept or reject it.
- Identify which trigger is activated.
- Separate the message from the messenger.
- Ask clarifying questions.
- Extract useful data—even from poorly delivered feedback.
- Discard what isn’t relevant.
Receiving feedback well doesn’t mean agreeing with everything. It means staying curious long enough to learn.
Key Takeaway
Learning from feedback is not about being thick-skinned or endlessly self-critical. It’s about balancing two human needs: growth and acceptance.
When we resist feedback reflexively, we may protect our ego—but we sacrifice improvement.
When we approach feedback with curiosity and structure, we transform it from a threat into a tool.
What’s the best feedback you’ve ever received—and what made it stick?
Claim your FREE copy: The New Conflict Management
In our FREE special report from the Program on Negotiation at Harvard Law School - The New Conflict Management: Effective Conflict Resolution Strategies to Avoid Litigation – renowned negotiation experts uncover unconventional approaches to conflict management that can turn adversaries into partners.
