What is negotiation avoidance? Negotiation avoidance is the tendency to bypass a difficult conversation or accept the status quo to escape the short-term anxiety and discomfort of advocating for our interests and needs.
Key Insights
- The Core Concept: Everyday negotiation is a frequent, highly collaborative process that plays a vital role in our daily lives.
- The Obstacle: Present bias and negativity bias cause us to avoid the short-term emotional discomfort of negotiation and overlook potential long-term benefits.
- The Strategy: Reframing negotiation as a routine interaction and coping with temporary discomfort can help us achieve long-term relationship and career gains.
Table of Contents
Why Do We Avoid Negotiating?
What Benefits of Negotiation Do We Overlook?
Beyond the Bargaining Table
The Link Between Negotiation Frequency and Well-Being
Overcome Negotiation Avoidance
“Should I Negotiate?”: A Cost-Benefit Analysis
Negotiation Avoidance: Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
Why Do We Avoid Negotiating?
In 1975, Paul Allen and Bill Gates set out to formalize ownership of their promising new software company, Microsoft. Allen assumed they would agree to a 50-50 split, he later wrote in his memoir. Gates, however, argued he should get 60%. Though unconvinced, Allen acquiesced without pushing back.
A couple of years later, according to Allen, Gates tried to renegotiate for even more: a 64-36 split. “I might have haggled and offered Bill two points instead of four, but my heart wasn’t in it,” Allen wrote. To avoid a confrontation, he surrendered 4% of Microsoft—a decision that cost him billions.
Just like Allen, we often view negotiation like a visit to the dentist: We know it’s important, but we don’t want to do it. In fact, we will even pay a significant financial premium to avoid negotiating, research shows.
Here are some common reasons for negotiation avoidance:
- Conflict aversion. The prospect of triggering a conflict by asserting ourselves can be deeply uncomfortable. We might choose to accept the status quo rather than risk a confrontation, especially when dealing with difficult people.
- Fear of “losing.” Negotiation is often oversimplified as a high-stakes, win-lose enterprise. When we overlook the potential to create value through integrative negotiation, we may be unwilling to play the game.
- Short-term thinking. Negotiation typically involves temporary time and cost commitments in exchange for uncertain future gains. The common human tendency to overvalue short-term comfort and discount long-term rewards can lead us to delay or avoid negotiations.
The takeaway: These tendencies reflect a negativity bias—the fact that negative events, emotions, and information have a much stronger impact on us than positive ones of the same magnitude.
What Benefits of Negotiation Do We Overlook?
Given our penchant for negative thinking, focusing on the potential upside could give us a more rational and balanced view of negotiation. In a new study, UCLA Professor Katherine Qianwen Sun and her colleagues explore negotiation’s ability to improve well-being in these realms:
- Stronger, more satisfying relationships. Negotiation can strengthen our relationships by improving our ability to manage conflict, understand different perspectives, and reach a mutually beneficial agreement. By contrast, conflict avoidance can exacerbate stress and friction.
- Enhanced self-esteem and self-efficacy. Our negotiation successes serve as confidence boosters that can increase our self-esteem and general mood.
- Goal achievement. “Frequent negotiators are more likely to advocate for better salaries, secure promotions, and steer their career paths in alignment with their personal aspirations,” Sun and her colleagues write. Negotiation can bring not only tangible successes but also a sense of fulfillment and control.
The takeaway: Considering both the risks and benefits of negotiating can prompt more rational decisions.
Beyond the Bargaining Table
Interestingly, however, we don’t avoid all types of negotiation. As it turns out, our avoidance patterns are predicable—and avoidable themselves.
To understand why, consider the useful distinction between “capital N” negotiations and “small n” negotiations made by Deborah Kolb and Jessica Porter in their book Negotiating at Work: Turn Small Wins into Big Gains:
- Capital N-negotiations are formal, traditional, high-stakes dealmaking: asking for a raise, negotiating the purchase price of a car, hashing out a contract. In these settings, parties clearly understand that a negotiation is taking place.
- Small n-negotiations are more personal and informal situations in which we negotiate our roles, needs, and relationships: asking a colleague for help with a project, for example, or talking through a misunderstanding with a sibling.
The takeaway: Although we tend to focus our preparation and anxiety on the rare N-negotiations, it’s the more frequent n-negotiations that truly shape our day-to-day success and well-being, according to Kolb and Porter.
The Link Between Negotiation Frequency and Well-Being
Most of us can think of N-negotiations that we avoided: failing to ask for a raise, not pursuing mediation of a workplace dispute. Do we also avoid n-negotiations?
To find out, Sun and her team had a smartphone app prompt 302 online participants randomly over the course of a week. They were instructed to record the following:
- Their current mood
- Their most recent social interaction (e.g., with a coworker, partner, or stranger)
- Whether that interaction involved any of eight communication processes, such as reaching agreement, persuasion, or navigating a conflict. (All eight were related to negotiation, but the researchers didn’t use the word negotiation to avoid triggering stereotypes about the process.)
The app data showed that the participants actually negotiated often—in roughly one-third of their daily social interactions. About 54% of their interactions with coworkers and about 30% of their interactions with close friends and family members constituted negotiations. These interactions were typically collaborative rather than instances of zero-sum negotiation. And in contrast to some past findings, women negotiated just as frequently as men.
Notably, people tended to report a short-term drop in their mood after these interactions. Thus, we may indeed experience negotiation as stressful or unpleasant in the moment. Importantly, however, the participants who negotiated most often also reported higher overall well-being. Thus, long-term positive negotiation gains overshadow short-term discomfort.
The takeaway: We negotiate often throughout the day, and these routine negotiations are linked to stronger relationships and greater life satisfaction.
Overcome Negotiation Avoidance
The following strategies can help us recognize our everyday negotiation skills and approach formal negotiations with greater confidence:
Keep a negotiation diary. Every day for a week, write about your interactions with others and answer the following questions:
- What was my mood like before, during, and after?
- Did the interaction involve making a joint decision, persuading, navigating conflict, considering someone’s perspective, bargaining, or mediating? That is, was it a negotiation?
- What went well? What might have gone better? Was negotiating a good idea?
You might be surprised to see how often you engage in informal negotiations. This knowledge can help boost your confidence for N-negotiations.
Audit your avoidance. In addition, write about times when you passed up an opportunity to negotiate (i.e., to make a request, confront someone, etc.). Answer these questions:
- Why did I avoid negotiating?
- What possible benefits of negotiation might I have overlooked?
- Should I revisit this decision?
Quantify long-term gains from negotiation. Try to list all you have gained from negotiating over the years. If you routinely negotiated your starting salary, how much higher will your lifetime earnings be as a result? If you hadn’t worked through conflicts with loved ones, what might those relationships be like today? Take note of your hard work and successes.
Make negotiating more pleasant. Take steps to make your negotiations less stressful in the short term:
- Accept anxiety as a normal biological response rather than a sign of failure.
- Delay a negotiation if you or the other person is tired, hungry, or in a bad mood.
- Take the risk of revealing information about yourself, your interests, and your feelings to trigger mutual disclosure and breakthroughs.
- Pause if talks get heated, and resume your discussion the next day.
The takeaway: By tracking your daily progress and managing short-term discomfort, you can reframe negotiation from a dreaded chore to a powerful habit.
“Should I Negotiate?”: A Cost-Benefit Analysis
| The Choice | Short-Term Impacts | Commonly Overlooked Long-Term Impacts |
| Not Negotiating | Immediate relief from anxiety; conflict avoidance; preservation of the status quo | Lingering resentment; lost financial or career value; weakened personal boundaries; possibly lower well-being overall |
| Negotiating | Mild anxiety; temporary mood drop; possible time and financial commitments | Increased self-efficacy; stronger, more transparent relationships; higher earnings; greater life satisfaction |
Negotiation Avoidance: Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
What is the difference between N-negotiations and n-negotiations?
N-negotiations are formal, high-stakes events (like salary negotiations or contract talks) where all parties understand that a negotiation is happening. By contrast, n-negotiations are informal, daily interactions (like dividing household chores or asking for project resources) in which we continually negotiate our roles and relationships.
Why does the thought of negotiating make me feel anxious?
Anxiety is a natural biological response to negotiation caused by negativity bias and present bias. Our brains are hardwired to overfocus on the potential for immediate interpersonal friction, causing a temporary mood dip. Our minds seek to avoid that short-term discomfort, even if the long-term payoff may be great.
Will negotiating more often actually make me happier?
Sun’s study shows a strong correlation between how often someone negotiates and their overall well-being, but it doesn’t necessarily prove causation. It could be that actively resolving conflicts boosts your life satisfaction, or it might be that people with a naturally higher baseline of well-being are more willing to engage in negotiations. But the data clearly links a willingness to engage in routine, everyday give-and-take to stronger relationships and greater life satisfaction.
Join the Discussion
What other strategies have you used to overcome negotiation avoidance?
