Starting the Conversation

4. Open the conversation like a mediator.

During a mediation, the mediator invites each side to describe their perspective and then summarizes the issues from a neutral perspective. As Difficult Conversations discusses, it can help to open the conversation by describing the situation the same way a mediator might after after hearing both sides.

What does a neutral summary sound like? Mediators avoid judgments like "she was wrong" or "he's a jerk" because reality is rarely that simple. They seek out the issues at stake, and point out differences where they exist, "We have some differences around what we think is a fair way to allocate the rooms, how to keep the room clean, and how to handle phone messages." Like a mediator, you should check in with the other party to find out your summary fits with her experience and if you missed anything. You might even want to have a process much like mediation where you set aside time for each of you to share your story and for the other to listen.

5. Listen

Listening carefully is the best way to get the other person to listen to you. And sometimes listening is all it takes to resolve a conflict when the only thing either of really wanted was to be listened to and acknowledged. Listening isn't the same thing as agreeing with the other person - it is possible to listen to and try to understand the other person without giving up your own perspective.

Listening is no easy feat when you're experiencing strong emotions and the other person is saying things that you don't necessarily want to hear. Good listening has two element: you have to be genuinely interested in what the other person is saying and you have to suspend your thoughts well enough to actually hear the other person. In order to suspend your thoughts while listening, it helps think about the situation and what it represents to you beforehand so that you are less likely to be bombarded by defensive thoughts during the conversation. You can also manage your thoughts by simply acknowledging them and bracketing them for later and refocusing on what the other person is saying. Douglas Stone teaches his students to use 'signposting' - where you occasionally let the other person know what you're thinking, "This is really painful for me to listen to but I want you to continue" or "This is all new to me and I want to think about it for a bit. Mind if we take a short break?"

We teach our mediators a technique called 'active listening.' It is a combination of listening and letting the other person know that you understand. Our mediators occasionally reflect back what the participants say, "If I understand what you're saying, you think… " so that the other person knows they understand and has the chance to correct anything they got wrong. We also teach our mediators how to ask open-ended questions than encourage people to discuss what's important to them, such as, "Why do you want to live in the single?" or "What do you dislike about the current living situation?" When you find out people's underlying needs, irreconcilable conflicts can become relatively easy to work out.

6. Share your story.

The other side deserves to be heard and so do you. Tell the other person how you see the situation, what upset you, what's important to you, and aspects of the situation that she may not be aware of. And share it as your perspective, rather than 'The Truth' so that the other person doesn't keep interrupting you to inform you of the 'Real Truth.'